Dear Etiquette Squirrel,
I said good morning to my roommate today, and my speaker said good morning back. Should I be worried? I’m thinking of taking a baseball bat to it.
— Concerned Grandmother
Dear Concerned Grandmother,
It’s nothing to be afraid of… yet. There are fancy new speakers that will do that. However, if you start to see it walk, I suggest you talk to Watson from IBM — after all, he almost won Jeopardy.
Dear Etiquette Squirrel,
I’m making a family dinner next week and I have no idea what to make at the last minute. Do you have any good ideas?
— Janet
Dear Janet,
You can’t go wrong with Etiquette Squirrel’s natural enemy, the turkey. I hear they roam the halls of Robarts looking to eat the brains of first years. I’d favour a good ol’ fashioned tur-tur-key-key — that’s a turkey stuffed inside an even larger turkey. Mmm, delicious.
Hey Etiquette Squirrel,
I have a class at Brennan Hall, but I’ll be coming straight from Bahen. Is it physically possible to get there in this winter weather?
— Not Fast But Furious
Dear Not Fast But Furious,
Based on your name, I’m inclined to recommend driving one of those gold sports cars outside of Sid Smith to get to the east side, but if you’ve got equipment and little to no shame, why not ski across campus? You wouldn’t be the first one.
Hiya Etiquette Squirrel,
I’ve never actually physically seen you IRL. Do you even exist? You’re probably just some student writer who goes under a pen name, like all the other classical authors I don’t read. Reveal yourself, heathen!
— Sneakily Suspicious
Dear Sneakily Suspicious,
I notice that you also haven’t revealed your real name. Oh how the turntables…
Hey Squirrel with a Reputation,
I wanna be your endgame
I wanna be your first string
I wanna be your A-Team
I wanna be your endgame, endgame
— Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran & Future
Dear Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran & Future,
Obsessed much? First of all, not interested. I’m taken already, if you haven’t heard. Second of all — not a fan. Of any of you. Except maybe Ed. He’s hot. Bye.
RAPID FIRE
Dear Etiquette Squirrel,
I like food. Like, a lot. Help. Pls.
— Foodie
Dear Foodie,
Don’t listen to anyone. Go nuts (haha) on that two-piece meal with cajun fries from Popeye’s.
Dear Etiquette Squirrel,
How do you stay warm all winter?
— Freezing in Lash Miller
Dear Freezing in Lash Miller,
I have this thing called ‘fur.’ Ever heard of it?
Dear Etiquette Squirrel,
Cinnamon buns. Thoughts?
— Cinnamon challenge survivor
Dear CCS,
If you got bunz, hun, eat your heart out.