Etiquette Squirrel

Dear Etiquette Squirrel,

I love my family — for the most part — but there’s just one thing they do that really gets to me. How do I get my family members to stop cutting open resealable packaging? I’ve tried showing them the ways of the zipper seal to no avail. It’s the best thing since sliced bread though. I just don’t get it. Please help!

— Broken Freshness Seal

Dear Broken,

Some people will simply sit back and watch the world burn. Or rather, they will watch the world mould and rot and become inedible. I suggest that you eat all the food before they have a chance to let it rot, and then they’ll go hungry next time they open the fridge. That’ll teach them about misusing resealable packaging in the future.

Dear Etiquette Squirrel,

A squirrel has been secretly living somewhere at The Varsity headquarters since the beginning of the year. We thought it died at one point, but it seems to have made a remarkable recovery and now sporadically roams the design office. How do we get it out? Unless… is that you?

— Concerned About Asbestos

Dear Concerned,

No, it isn’t me, as I live in a rather well-decorated elm tree on Sussex Avenue, but I do apologize for the situation nonetheless. Unfortunately, you have my cousin Ricky staying with you. I told him once that I did some writing for The Varsity, and as I was explaining how warm the offices are, he bolted. I should have known he would be squatting with you fine folks.

Next time I see him I’ll give him a talking to, but maybe he just wanted to crack a story? Please don’t judge all of us squirrels against Ricky’s annoying tactics!

Hello Etiquette Squirrel,

There is a boy who is breadcrumbing me. How can I throw his breadcrumbs right back at him? I want to coat him in his own breadcrumbs like Panko! Please help me pull off my master plan.

— Master Chef

Dear Chef,

After my extensive research, I think breadcrumbing means that he is leading you on? If so, he’s completely nuts if he doesn’t go for you. I recommend that you don’t give him the time of day. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. If he’s actually a good guy, he’ll come around and show himself to you.

Promiscuous Squirrel,

Wherever you are

I’m all alone

And it’s you that I want.

— Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland circa. 2006

Dear Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland,

Sorry, I’m already taken.