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Dear Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

It has come to my attention that D does not stand for ‘degree.’ I thought I was doing well, but now I’m not too sure. Is it too late for me? Will I pass school? Please help.

— Failing?

Dear Failing?,

Think about school like a game of Monopoly: you roll the dice, make a good go at it, and sometimes you win. What I’m trying to say is, you’re not going to pass ‘Go’ anytime soon. But no worries, you’ll eventually discover a love for board games, win the International Monopoly Championship, and gain a small fortune for yourself. Unfortunately, Monopoly money has no value. But hey, you can always join me up in a tree.


Hello Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Will my mom ever love me?

— Neglected Child

Dear Neglected Child,

I would like to say that in the future, your mother will realize that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to her and she’ll stop criticizing your grades. But let’s just say that a little squirrely told me it’s in your best interest to remember her birthday next year — and maybe don’t say that you liked Brenda’s pie better than your mom’s. Otherwise, she’ll always love your brother more than you.


Yo Future,

When is your album dropping? What’s up with your new name? I don’t really dig this squirrel thing.

— Future’s Biggest Fan

Dear My Biggest Fan,

You’ll have to talk to my manager about that.


Dear Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

What’s life like for squirrels in the future? I read on a conspiracy site that the world will end with squirrels destroying the human race. Is it true?

— Doomsday Now

Dear Doomsday Now,

I wouldn’t call it destroying the human race so much as improving it. You cut down our homes, so we cut down your population. But don’t worry, life is pretty great, or at least it is for us squirrels.


Hey Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

I’ve been having a rough time balancing school, work, and sports recently and don’t know what to do. Will my future get better?

— Rough Time

Dear Rough Time,

Like I always say: the world is your acorn. Work your tail off, kiddo. It’s going to be okay.


Hi Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Have you heard about the freshman fifteen? I’ve been so unhealthy since university started and want to get back in shape — my doctor gave me supplements to help, but I don’t think they’re working. What should I do?

— Health Nut

Dear Health Nut,

Have you been drinking your almond milk? You know what they say: ‘an almond a day keeps the doctor away.’ This is probably a good thing since your doctor is not properly licensed and is trying to rope you into a pyramid scheme. Those weren’t real nutritional supplements, Health Nut. Always check your doctor’s credentials.


‘Sup Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Help! I have a paper due tomorrow night and no motivation to finish. Can you help me find some motivation — and also a topic?

— No Motivation, Mo’ Problems

Dear No Motivation, Mo’ Problems,

I can tell you that you end up writing about Plato’s view on the form and beauty of squirrels.


Hiya Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

I’ve been trying to cut down on my coffee intake. Could you suggest some alternatives?

— 2 Decaffeinated 2 Function

Dear 2 Decaffeinated 2 Function,

I’m personally a fan of a nice 1987 Margaux Red, or some 1963 Cheval Blanc. If you’re looking for a low-budget option, I suppose you could go for a 2013 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley, but why would you do that to yourself? I would avoid any 2023 Piedmont Reds though.  They really doesn’t compare to the 2023 Pomeral Reds.


Bonjour Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

When will I marry a millionaire?

— Too Much Tuition

Dear Too Much Tuition,

July 17, 2028. You’ll have a nice destination wedding in Honolulu because although you are rich, you are still basic. You offer to fly in all your friends and family, which doesn’t really work out since your friend Michael decides to bring that girl from high school who always made fun of your eyebrows. But what do you care — you’re a millionaire.


Bonjour Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

When do I marry a billionaire?

— Too Much Tuition (again)

Dear Too Much Tuition (again),

February 14, 2053, after you divorce the millionaire.


Dear Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound?

— Not a Lumberjack

Dear Not a Lumberjack,

Of course, silly human. Remember what I said would happen when you cut down our homes? The sound that is made when a tree is cut down is the scream of a mother squirrel watching her three children getting crushed under the weight of an oak branch and human folly.


Hi Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Do we ever figure out the answer to life?

— PHL100 Student

Dear PHL100 Student,

It’s 42 nuts.


Hi Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Does Bernie Sanders ever become US President?

— Berned Out

Dear Berned Out,

YES, BERNIE 2020, GET OUT THE VOTE.*

*Etiquette Squirrel (from the future) does not endorse any candidate


Howdy Etiquette Squirrel (from the future),

Will squirrels ever get equal rights? I’m rooting for you guys.

— Squirrel Whisperer

Dear Squirrel Whisperer,

Thank you for the support. Unfortunately, we don’t get equal rights until all humans do.


RAPID FIRE

Will I ever find love???

I will always love you.

Will I ever get a dog?

Yes.

Will I become Prime Minister?

Yes.

Will I ever own a house?

In this market? Please.

Will Brangelina ever get back together?

No.